75-25

During our almost 13 years of marriage, Brian and I have had 4 rather rocky times. By rocky, I mean more than the usual arguments, issues that run much deeper than "your late" or "you forgot such and such" and longer lasting than a day or so. 1, 2 and 4 all had to do with transitions after kids. 3 is the subject of a book, not a blog so lets just stick with kid adjustments. Nothing can prepare you for the changes kids bring. Both the social worker and our sweet friends Eddie and Susan tried to explain this while still calling children a blessing. Others did it in less than nice ways, but I'll also leave that for my scathing tell all. (Just kidding) Reality is hard. Brian is a workaholic who constantly worries he won't set a good example for his employees. I am a perfectionist parent who believes anything less than Martha Stewart, June Cleaver and the proverbs 31 woman rolled into one is failure. We ran head long into the whole parent thing.
The first was the hardest as we completely upset our established roles and learned the new guidelines. How late could/should Brian work? How much personal "play time" was appropriate? How many "good" things could we manage? When was one parent enough and when should both be involved? What was our personal parenting style going to look like? How were we going to handle the reactions of others when and if our parenting style didn't look like theirs? Not to mention just figuring out how to manage day to day life with much less sleep and more things on the to do list.
We thought we were prepared for this with number 2, but once again we were knocked off our socks. After a few months of feeling like a total failure, we were blessed to have a fabulous social worker who saw all the red flags of attachment disorders. I won't go into great detail here, but attachment disorders are ugly things. It took alot of time, therapy, commitment and rethinking how we did some things to get through this. We hope the worst is behind us, but this little issue still rears its ugly head from time to time.
Enter the arrival of J and L. This time we had our eyes wide open. We understood attachment disorders and were prepared to make whatever drastic changes might be required. We were united on our willingness to draw firm boundaries if that's what it took to deal with the issues under our own roof. We understood that L had more special needs than we had ever dealt with and that there were many unknowns. We knew life was about to get infinitely harder. We knew this was clearly what God was calling us to do and were and continue to be humbled at the trust he has placed in us. Before Brian made even the first trip to Russia, we made some agreements. We understood that priorities and choices would have to change. Brian was going to have to cover more at home and both of us were going to have to be flexible. Brian was going to need to be in earlier or even for chunks of time in the middle of the day. I was going to have to be all right with Brian going back out in the evenings or early mornings. We were both going to give up some outside roles at church or in the community.
I wish I could tell you this was a seamless adjustment, but of course it wasn't. We had some battles as we literally worked out a life that we can all be satisfied with. (This is an ongoing activity.) Brian has really tried and he makes countless sacrifices. Some days we wonder if they are the right ones, but then we have moments....

• B had a particularly bad day including ongoing troubles with 2 other girls in her class. H offered to punch one of them in the nose. No violence is not the answer but we worked hard for united sisters.
• J and L have a small closing program at the same time as B's knitting class. "I can always go to knitting. I want to see J and L's program."
• And my personal favorite.... Brian needed to be on the computer for an Internet sale during the evening crazy hour. I am trying to get supper on the table, B and H are working on homework, J is wreaking havoc. L really need meds to kick in. Brian finally comes and gets L and then holes himself up in the office, bidding with her help. Hope we didn't buy anything extra! Brian finally gave up and joined us for supper. We could still hear the computer going and Brian's phone was ringing off the hook. I thanked Brian for making this choice. Had smiled and said, " that's because Daddy's heart belongs 25% to cattle and 75% to us" Brian laughed and smiled at me "that means I've come a long way!"