One of my guilty pleasures is haunting the disboards late at night. The disboards are an online discussion group of all things Disney. Everything from room discounts to the best place to stay before a cruise can be found here. I find the practice of flaming particularly interesting. Flaming is slicing down a fellow disboarder for some perceived difference of opinion; often things as innocuous as the value of an over the door shoe organizer for storing trinkets in your hotel room, or the appropriateness of crocs for children's footwear. From an online reading point of view this can be mildly humorous, but really it is just a small version of what I witness many times a week in the "real world".
I was a college student at the height of the Mommy Wars. The eighties had preached the virtue of having it all and assured us moms could both break the glass ceiling of business and raise great kids. "We could bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan". The daughters of that church found maybe that wasn't really the case. As we floundered to discover what our own futures would look like it often became an all out battle between working and stay at home moms. It was late night fodder in sorority house hallways and senior seminars alike. Talk shows, books and magazines kept the skirmishes going. We may have proclaimed our position proudly,but underneath, most women I know were constantly second guessing choices and always feeling like they had short changed someone. Self heaped guilt was plentiful. At the end of the day,few people felt like "good moms."
As I have aged, the Mommy Wars over work and home seem to have calmed. I know a few women that are truly work over family dedicated. I know a few very traditional stay at home moms, but most fall somewhere in between. I have lots of friends and acquaintances that work part time or job share. Plenty of people that took jobs with hours that fit their kids schedules or agree to work different shifts from their husbands so childcare is not an issue. Lots of families with grandparents involved to make it all run smoothly. It would seem that should be enough. It isn't. Maybe women are just destined to second guess ourselves, but instead of dealing with our own feelings of guilt, we seem to have decided as a gender to "flame" those around us. Yes, we as women are busy burning down the people around us. Don't get me wrong, there really are some bad parents in the world. Heaven knows I watch kids walk into church every week whose parents don't know or care where they are. I see kids at school that have no help with homework or even a hot meal outside of what school provides. There are kids whose parents in the name of work have completely left them to the care of others and stay at home moms whom never let their kids see the light of day. But for most of us, we are berating our fellow moms for things that just don't matter.
I watch and hear it all the time. The mom that sits in the cheer parking lot during a closed practice "just in case" That's fine as long as she doesn't make other moms feel bad for not doing the same thing. I once threatened to wear a shirt to practice saying "I was at home all day, where were you?" My balance has me at home all day,but I use practice time to run errands. If you worked all day, but want to be with your child at practice, can't we agree that both of us are supporting our child and this is not bad parenting? What about food?? I really try to feed my kids healthy food, but I have one that never eats protein. If the best I can do that day is reece cups with 5 grams of protein each, please accept you have no idea what we deal with instead of commenting on candy for lunch. In exchange, I promise to keep my thoughts on blue applesauce and orange cheetos to myself. How about a peace treaty?
Let's agree that there really are some bad parents out there. And we need to call them on it. We need to get those kids some help. Let's agree that safety is a valid reason to speak up. How about we trust that parents know their own children and can make the best choices for their individual child (and it may not be what's best for yours). Let's agree that making a different choice for my child does not mean your choice is wrong. Let's agree it is okay to teach our kids our family values even if they disagree with yours. And then lets agree to stop flaming those around us for making different amoral choices.
I am sure I have plenty of guilt to share here, but I am declaring a truce. It is time to call the truly bad parents what they are but for most of the world, please let us keep our guilt on ourselves and give everyone else a break. Time to douse the flames and end the war.
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